Some would say I'm "fucking myself over" while others would simply label it as "academic disinterest." Personally, I think it's just all bullshit and that the thick atmosphere of self-induced pressure is not worth it.
It's bullshit. Despite the 1,500 that I dropped on academics, I am failing two of my four courses, which is, now placing in another year worth of OCC (2014, here we come!). But am I, the person whom, at six, went up to Princeton, saw it, and longed ever since for on-school livelihood and total scholarly-directive, really capable of continuously working these meager jobs while sloppily stuffing my pockets with non-curiculum based credits, all the while eroding and chipping away at my initial ambitions and philosophic desires?
No, absolutely not.
Except there is no other method. If I drop school, then the only thing waiting for me are these piece of shit jobs which do absolutely nothing to test the mind.
I want a task!
I want a damn challenge!
"Take a philosophy course!"
I did, except they are all morons.
Ethics apparently means morality, and apparently that justifies total snobbery and a ceaseless, disgusting tone of pretentious-lore to one's self. The moron actually said that Russia and China are "communist countries." There can be no such thing! There is no such thing! You can't throw away years and years of research and output into making communism practical just because yellow-journalism wanted to make american's afraid of radical-left thought. And what the hell does she think ethics amounts to? Kids who know why "please" and "thank you" are polite? Ethics isn't morality, you bastard! Ethics is the study of the appropriate laws and consistent features in the means of constructing and maintaining an orthodox about however many collective people's. It's just as politically-based as political theory. Ethics has no place without taking a constructive look at structure, how structure will advance, when structure will fall and what structure will replace the former. It is a study that is based on the rationalizing of next-thought, meaning what the majority concensus will be tommorow, next week, next month, next year, next century.
...good rant.
Anyway, what I am saying is that it isn't academic disinterest, and that I'm not really attempting to fuck myself over. I know exactly what I want out of school (English/Creative Writing/Actually Intelligent Philosophy Courses) except I apparently can't do anything I want without being subjected to a series of curiculum courses that devour my own worth (mathematics). Might I add that the courses I enjoy are generally taught by absolute morons (Philosophy... There is a difference between admiring philosophy, and understanding it. I am in the latter, which means if I take these courses I don't want some moron to teach me about Kant's outdated, irrelevent theories. I'd like to discuss via intelligently about the practicality of post-colonialism, or the means by which leftist-theory should change, or how and by which method genocide via foreign cultures should actually be addressed (meaning not "stop it!" but on a practical, impartial scale, particularly authoritarian and wholly A-Moral)).
Nonsense, nonsense, nonsense.
And a cup of smug.
But still... hmm, it's just tough. I dunno what I am getting at. I don't feel challanged, and I'm very bored and drinking doesn't do what it used to and despite the amount of flower-infused prose I write I still don't feel any better and all the "darkness" of heart is just powder and blood-flow and cementing further and further my idea that I am, indeed, alienated from my own species.
Oh well. Keep writing, right?
I don't get it. Christmas is coming, but I'm not happy. I don't feel the way I'm supposed to feel. I like getting presents, and sending Christmas cards and all that, but I'm still not happy. I almost always end up feeling depressed. Charlie Brown's Christmas
No comments:
Post a Comment